One of the most common phrases I hear in my office is, “but it’s just a divorce, this happens to so many people, why is it so hard to just move on?” I deeply understand the sentiment behind these thoughts. While fairly commonplace (the most recent estimates place the American divorce rate at approximately 41% of first marriages; https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/marriage-divorce.htm), divorce represents a major psychological upheaval. In fact, divorce is the second most stressful life event behind the death of a spouse or child (https://www.stress.org/holmes-rahe-stress-inventory).
Choosing to invest in healing from the emotional and psychological impact of a divorce is one of the most profound acts of kindness toward yourself. Here are five things to consider as you embark on your recovery journey:
1.) Start a stable therapeutic relationship: Divorce is a deeply destabilizing experience. Typically, in a relatively short amount of time, aspects of one’s life that may have looked the same for decades are thrown into chaos and uncertainty. Within this period of tremendous flux, a willingness to cultivate a relationship with a psychologist or therapist that you can see regularly is key. Consider weekly or biweekly therapy on a routine schedule-when you don’t know what the next year or beyond may look like, knowing that you will see the same person, in the same place, at the same time can feel anchoring and stabilizing.
2.) Grief does not have an expiration date: Grief is a unique phenomenon. Many struggle to recognize their experience as grief because there has been no death (per se); however, the loss of a spouse to divorce is interpreted by the psyche as a death-like loss. Grieving is often marked by rapidly shifting cognitive and emotional states which can create a “crazy-like” experience for the sufferer. Please know you are not crazy, you are grieving. Effective grieving calls for time, patience, support, and a willingness to feel through the discomfort associated with the many accompanying emotions.
3.) Divorce can be traumatic: The degree to which a divorce may be traumatizing, if at all, depends on several factors. For example, those that did not see a divorce coming, discover an affair leading to divorce, experience abuse and/or neglect necessitating a divorce, high volatility, and/or conflict are all at risk to experience trauma. In addition, people’s relationship and family of origin history can be reactivated by a divorce, informing a traumatic response to past events re-experienced in the present. If any of the above apply to you, consider investing in a therapy experience with a clinician well-versed in treating traumatic divorce and/or loss.
4.) Give yourself permission to explore: Few things in life are one thing at a time-even divorce. The space left by the lost spouse can feel insurmountable to fill, and it is space, nonetheless. The big question here is-what shall you do with it? As you work with a professional for the serious busy of grieving, considering using the time outside of therapy to explore yourself. Is a friend inviting you to a concert? Maybe you go and the music provides you a respite of joy. While this is a vulnerable time and you want to be cautious of what you say yes to, also keep an eye on balancing caution with new experiences that can promote a sense of aliveness and create pleasant memories. You will need these experiences to resource you through your journey.
5.) Be thoughtful about who you surround yourself with: The adage, “people will hurt you and they’ll heal you” is certainly true of divorce recovery. While divorce is painful because the person you trusted as your beloved has now caused you pain, there are likely people in your life that will be part of putting you back together. When I look back on my divorce, I am deeply touched by the myriad meaningful memories I have of the people who showed up for me along the way. Have a hard time asking for support? Work on this with a therapist to learn to be able to receive care from others. Or maybe you’re receiving too much support and need assistance identifying and articulating boundaries? Therapy helps with this too! The many ways our human interactions are impacted by divorce are all part of the therapeutic work!
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