Reacting without thinking: An easy way to start getting a sense of if your past is messing with your present is to observe your reactions. Are you engaging in reactive behaviors like snapping, shutting down, withholding, or pushing an issue? If so, likely you are acting automatically from old unconscious scripts activated in the present, yet not fully appropriate to the present context. Therapy can be a great place to slow down, examine interpersonal situations, and your behaviors to support you in accessing and resolving the original wound being played out in the present.
Withholding: While not feeling safe disclosing about yourself to your current partner may reflect the health of the present relationship, it may also be related to your past experiences disclosing. Was your vulnerability met with compassion and care or was it shamed, blamed, or ignored? How pain was managed in past relationships can be carried as emotional pain into future relationships.
Discomfort with emotional intimacy: Maybe you’ve notice you’re fine with intimacy if you initiate it? Or that closeness (emotional or physical) is comfortable to you only in certain very specific contexts. Often emotional and physical intimacy is unique to our most profound relationships, and as such can be associated with strong emotional memories. If you notice struggling to be present in and enjoy moments of emotional intimacy with your partner or close others, there may be something historical operating underneath.
Frequent comparisons between the past and present: To some extent, especially at the beginning of a new romantic relationship, it is common to compare the present partner to the past. If you notice, however, that you continue to do so as the relationship progresses and/or that when conflict in your current relationship emerges you fantasize about the past having been better, there may be something that you present partner is doing, saying, or reminding you of that is unconsciously sparking reminders of former partner.
You call all the relationship shots, or you call none of them: A natural optimal state for a romantic relationship is one of mutuality and reciprocity. In other words, the individuals involved are equals, choices are made weighing the needs and wants of each party, and both parties are willing to hear and hold room for the opinion of the other. If you notice you only comfortable if you are making the decisions or you’re only comfortable following you may be operating by old relationship paradigms that need to be addressed in order to support you in achieving a more balanced relationship.
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